Breakthrough from Breakdown - My Bipolar Disorder Story

22 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Today my life has been wonderfully changed. Whilst Health Care in Northern Ireland is in crisis and is on our local news all the time and with more and more people, particularly young people struggling with mental health disorders I believe everyone can have a 'Breakthrough from Breakdown" Over the years I have been wanting to share my journey with my mental health and raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder. I hope that by sharing my story, what I have gone through will hopefully help someone who is experiencing problems such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, or a breakdown in their lives. I feel more than ever, that it is important to break the stigma associated with mental health and talk about it.

Thanks to all those who have suggested and encouraged me to write a blog, share my story and poems. Those of you who know me well know that I can be a chatterbox and can talk the legs off a donkey, but this whole world of blogging is a completely new experience for me.  I hope that through the following poem which I have written and entitled 'Let it all Out' you will be encouraged with how I have made a Breakthrough from my Breakdown as I share a bit of what my mental health experience was like.  

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LET IT ALL OUT 

I feel it’s time for me to let it all out

And share a little with those what my struggles were about 

I no longer want to hide the true person I was made to be inside

And wear a mask and put on a smile

For several years I’ve struggled with mental health

So I’m sharing my journey to hopefully help someone else

Sometimes it was easy to disguise my true feelings inside

While many times it’s been a struggle and difficult to hide

Years ago I was on a grueling roller coaster ride

After an accident that changed my life and things inside my mind 

Everything looked bleak, foggy and grey

I never thought I would live to see another day

A fierce battle raged in my mind

Some days were so dark it felt like I was blind

The pain was intense and it was lonely in the dark

I didn’t know where to turn or where to start

Some days I felt nervy, anxious or sad

It was hard to switch off when things inside made me feel bad

But I wouldn’t have it any other way

The simple things in life helped me get through each day

Then there were days I was feeling high

It felt like I had wings so I could fly and reach the sky

Writing poems helped me when I couldn’t sleep to get my thoughts out

And share with others a little of what my struggle with mental health is about 

Manic depression or Bipolar disorder as it’s now called

Is just a label and doesn’t mean much to me at all

I’ve learned it’s better to speak out and take a stand

And thankfully these labels no longer define who I really am

It was a bit easier when I was told I had a nervous breakdown 

This helped me start to get myself off the ground 

To make it through I had to push through the pain

And learn to start all over again

Health they say is your wealth 

It hasn’t been easy and hard not to focus on myself 

Taking small steps forward and one day at a time 

Were some of the best things that helped my troubled mind

I’m forever grateful to those who know me best

And helped me get through this scary test

My faith in God has helped me stay on track

He delivered me and with His help I haven’t looked back 

There are many people hurting and going through the same

Why do we have to hide our pain or feel shame? 

Fear is the main thing I guess 

'Cause we don’t want others to see our mess

Maybe things are dark right now and you are really feeling blue 

And don’t know where to turn or what to do

Don’t be afraid to...LET IT ALL OUT..............of you!

Until you get your BREAKTHROUGH. 

Leanne Durand

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Back in 1998, when I was 25 years old, I was involved in a multiple car crash on my way to work as a PA Secretary to two directors in a large company in Stratford-Upon-Avon, England. 

My life changed that day!

I went from being a confident young woman to a broken, nervous wreck. It took me months to get over the sound of screeching breaks as cars smashed into one another behind me. I sustained a bad whiplash injury, black eyes and bruises but the mental trauma that followed was much worse....

  .... the car accident happened 2 weeks before my wedding!!

Thankfully, 2 weeks later I managed to get through the day and not have to wear my neck brace and the wedding was one of the best days of my life.

However five months after the accident, I was admitted to Worcester Psychiatric hospital with what they called a 'mixed state of mind'.  Work pressures meant that I didn't sleep for more than 3 days. I was wide awake, excited about new work projects and couldn't switch off. My mind went into overdrive. My thoughts were racing, ideas kept tumbling out. I thought I could take on many projects and responsibilities and my mind became very creative. I was excited about the endless list of things I could achieve, talking excessively I couldn't keep quiet. The high energy of mania was exhausting for those around me and myself.

Becoming irritable, agitated, restless, insecure and unable to concentrate it was like riding the scariest roller coaster, being flung in the air, crashing down, turning upside down and clinging on without any safety harness.

Anxiety took over and I was gripped and paralysed with fear. It felt like my mind was trapped and my thoughts were being controlled. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. I thought I was the only one going through highs and lows. I was desperate for help.

Crisis point for me was like a tonne of bricks crushing me all at once!!!

I strongly believe lack of sleep had a large part to play in my breakdown as well as other events in my life: moving to a new house, new job and promotion in a job, car accident, wedding, breakdown and being pregnant all within a year!!! Experiences in my childhood were also major contributing factors in my breakdown.

Upon reflection my first day in the hospital was terrifying.  I felt alone, abandoned and afraid. I woke up in a grubby room with a small window with metal bars. It was like being in a prison cell. I was left to fend for myself. I was heavily medicated with injections. I could not communicate much, my speech was slurred. I couldn't feed myself or dress myself. I thought I was disabled. I was like a zombie in a horror film.  I spent 2 weeks in hospital.

I was allowed home because my husband Stéphane cared for me and my Mum came over from N.Ireland, gave up her job and was there to provide constant care.  I am forever grateful for all the care and support Mum and Stéphane gave me in those difficult and dark days and also my close friend Sarah who came to visit and support me in other ways. 

The period in hospital was not the end of my journey. It was a difficult time as medical diagnosis was not easy, more like trial and error. I felt I was just a number in a long list being drugged with heavy medication.

For a 3 year period I was on a grueling roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows - Manic and Depressive episodes.

I went from feeling I could do anything and happy about life to being completely broken and not having much interest in life. My mind was a battlefield. My emotions were intense and my nerves were on edge. Fear was like a heavy weight pulling me down.

It led to a rapid downward spiral of despair, depression and darkness.

It was like everything was in slow motion and my mind was in rewind, going over and over the same thoughts in my head. I felt trapped in a dark tunnel and couldn't see a way out. I was unable to do simple tasks. I was so lethargic I could not get out of bed. I just wanted to crawl in a ball, hibernate and not wake up.

Eventually I was was told I had had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with Manic Depression, (today it's called Bipolar Disorder).  Bipolar is a serious mental health condition which affects your mood, having periods of extreme highs and periods of extreme lows. For more information click on the link here. 

Through this blog I want to encourage those who are experiencing difficulties to seek help as soon as possible. There is 'Breakthrough from Breakdown' and there is light at the end of the tunnel. A diagnosis is not a life sentence and Bipolar is only a label.  Labels do not define who we really are. 

As a Christian, my identity is in Christ, not a label.  

I believe that my mental breakdown has been a breakthrough for me spiritually in my Christian faith. My brokenness led me to my Lord. I now have a close relationship with Jesus. He lifted me up from the pit of despair (Psalm 40:2). He turned my darkness into light. (Psalm 18:28) He is my Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6). I have experienced His deepest love, His radiant light and His sweetest embrace in the darkest and most difficult days. I would not be here today if I did not have my faith in God.

God's love, mercy and grace brought deliverance, healing and breakthrough in my life. Today I have freedom and enjoy reading my Bible more and find hope and comfort in His Promises (see verse below).

I want to encourage those who are suffering that 'The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit' (Psalm 34:18) and He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Today, Bipolar Disorder is one of the most treatable of mental illnesses. There are different medications that make a close-to-normal life as possible.  Acceptance is key to recovery.  Communication is an essential part of the healing process as well as the support of family and friends and people who don't judge. Being in denial makes the healing process much longer and people end up being controlled by their illness for years.

Are you struggling with mental health or are you close to someone who struggles with it? If so, I want to encourage you that you are not alone and you should not be afraid to speak out about it.  Don't suffer in silence. You can and you will overcome it too just as I have done.  

I am thankful I have been stable for 19 years now, because of my faith in God, support from family and friends and medication. I would not change anything about this journey. I don't take my health for granted. I still don't have it all together. I am told I talk more than I should listen and often repeat myself. Sometimes I experience highs and lows, but not the extremes and I've learnt to take it one day at a time.

My suffering and mental scars has taught me compassion and so I now want to help others who are hurting and struggling. I am no longer the victim.

I have conquered. As my poem is entitled I want to LET IT ALL OUT!!!

Concluding, I can tell you I am really blessed to have a great and supportive family who have been solidly with me on my life's journey. To Stéphane, my husband, thank you for staying with me through the highs and lows and for your patience and support. Sophie, my daughter thank you for encouraging me to start this blog, for setting up the website and logo as well as giving me sound advice.  Nathan, my son, thanks for all the fun and laughs.

Being a mum is by far the best thing in my life. To all my friends, a very big thank you for your friendship and support over the years and for believing in me.

I recommend the words of the song: 'Scars' by..'I am They'.. which sum up my journey, and how my brokenness led me to the Lord.

Website link for mental health advice and stories found here.

I hope to be writing more blogs in the near future, sharing more of my poems and life experiences.

Leanne x